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After my recent very visible and public internet blow-up with the DOJ Inc Programmer, I've come to the conclusion that I'm making mountains over molehills. So I went thru a personal retrocspective and have come to a conclusion, that I'm not well. Tension from far too many other things in my life have been piling up for months. My body has been sending me warning signs and I just haven't been listening to it.
Between the tensions of living in a Country thats on the verge of an international war, increasing 'homeland security measures' that interfere with travel and daily life in the Cities, the loss (at least for the foreseeable future) of my favorite local community locale (the Putnam Cafe), the daily dealings with the grand construction project that used to be our basement (including constant construction noises that make it difficult for me to think, write or rest in my own home), running the website, managing the Gaming Group, Running a RPG weekly that I didn't plan on running, dealing with a bit of claustrophobia in the middle of sub-zero winter freezathons, family pressures, convention public speaking obligations, coordinating our normal household operations, a constant daily barrage of telephone solicitors, living under tight finances, a strained back, a stomache with randomly debilitating gastro-intestinal pain, frustration over the gaming market, frustrations over various personal setbacks and writers block, I've hit a new high.
I'm not sleeping regularly, and when I do its nightmare ladened. Eating is an experiment every day, to see what, if anything, will set my stomache off on a rampage of pain or preoccupation with the bathroom. I've had to regularly take pain relief so that I can actually just walk with my back pain, and none of it appears to be anything modern medicine is capable of doing anything for.
So, I've decided to take a break. I'm putting the website on automatic and will not be doing much in the way of updating or changing anything for the next few months. I'm turning over the reins of control of the Western Ave Irregulars (my gaming club) to my wife, rather than shutting it down entirely, and I'm dropping out of playing in the games. I'm shutting down the Wed night SF campaign I've been running, which I had taken over when Kiralee had a time crunch last fall that prevented her from GMing (and which she still doesn't have the time for). I'm not doing any more conventions this year.
I'm going to spend more time away from the house somehow, even if I do have to deal with these awful weather situations. I need to get away from all the things that are building the tension in my body, before something snaps and I break entirely with a complete nervous breakdown or a complete health collapse, or both. I'm going to go out and do silly things like waste money at movie theatres, find a hangout place, read books (I have a pile of several hundred unread books that I just haven't had the concentration level for in the past year), ignore the newspapers, ignore the tv and radio news, maybe take a course in Yoga, try to keep away from family members who do nothing but throw more tension into my life, stop doing stuff I find frustrating, and generally try to relax and restore my piece of mind (and hopefully my body in the process).
My apologies to everyone and anyone I may have offended, fought with, argued with, insulted, inconvienced or bothered in tha past year. I took on too many things, stretched my mental state and body to the breaking point, and its shown in too many ways. I Got Angry, defensive and frustrated with too many people and things. I let things get to me and that was stupid, plain and simple.
I won't be online much over the next few months, Email is one of those things that has been overloading me, as has trying to keep up with whats going on in the world. I care that there is a madman in the White House, terrorists lurking, people dying (I have at least one relative, a cousin's husband, who's on his way to the Gulf right now), bombs falling, stormtroopers patroling our streets, civilians being arrested and beaten for expressing their opposition and accused of treason, etc. I care, but I cannot be involved anymore. I need to recover my peace of mind in an insane world or be destroyed by it. It won't be easy.
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Synthesis & Synchronicity is the meanderings of the mind of Joseph Teller and may not reflect the reality of your own personal universe. Contents are Copyright 2003 by Joseph Teller and anyone who wants to reproduce it in any way or fashion must request permission (although linkage to these is granted to any and all websites, mailing lists and newsgroups, their operators, posters and users if so desired). Unless, of course, otherwise noted within the text of the articles involved. Synthesis & Sychronicity is distributed by Naughty Faerie Productions.